Scully and Mulder investigate Microsoft

[Louis Proyect <lnp3@columbia.edu>]

         November 3, 1997 
  
         Agents Scully and Mulder investigate
         Microsoft in the eXpletive-deleted files
  
         I'm special agent scully from the U.S. Department of Justice. This is
         Agent Mulder. We understand you think this is the victim of a serial
         killer?
  
         Officer Schnauser: Yes, it's the truth.
  
         Mulder: [whispering to Scully] He seems rather defensive, don't you
         think?
  
         Scully: You know, officer, we have no reason to doubt ...
  
         Schnauser: No, I mean it's the truth. The truth was murdered. Third
         time this week, as a matter of fact.
  
         Mulder: I see. Have you noticed any pattern in the killer's behavior?
  
         Schnauser: Nothing obvious. Except we keep finding things like these
         on the bodies of the victims.
  
         [Schnauser hands a stack of papers to Mulder, who examines them at
         length.]
  
         Mulder: I'm afraid we may be dealing with supernatural forces here,
         Scully.
  
         Scully: What makes you think that?
  
         Mulder: This first page is a news clipping about how Microsoft bullied
         OEMs to give prominence to Internet Explorer over other browsers.
  
         Scully: What is so unusual about that?
  
         Mulder: Exactly. Microsoft is bullying its partners regarding Windows
         pre-loads and these people think it's news?
  
         Scully: There's probably a rational explanation ...
  
         Mulder: I don't think our viewers will ever believe you think there's
         going to be a rational explanation to any of our plots.
  
         Scully: Why can't you admit the obvious? Microsoft offers a lot of
  value
         at a low price by integrating software into its OS -- the opposite
  of what
         you get when you stifle competition.
  
         Mulder: Well, I've heard Microsoft make that point several times, but I
         keep forgetting it.
  
         Scully: Perhaps you have a selective memory because you hate
         Microsoft.
  
         Mulder: No, it's just that my high-value, low-priced copy of Windows
         crashes every time I try to jot down that quote in Microsoft Word.
  
         Scully: Look, you know Netscape pressured us into investigating this
         case because it can't handle competition.
  
         Mulder: I'm not so sure. But I know a way Microsoft could prove it to
         the world and remove all doubt.
  
         Scully: How?
  
         Mulder: It could try selling Internet Explorer for real money
  instead of
         dumping it on the market at a loss in order to drive Netscape out of
         business.
  
         [Mulder reaches into pocket to retrieve his ringing cell phone.]
  
         Mulder: Hello, this is Mulder.
  
         Scully: It's Scully. I've located Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates and
         Group Product Manager Cornelius Willis at a press conference.
         Cornelius just said, "We're not delivering a different
  implementation of
         Java; we are adding features." Bill claims competitors are
  forgetting the
         needs of the customers.
  
         Mulder: They're lying.
  
         Scully: Yes, but how did you know? I didn't think you knew enough
         about science and technology to ...
  
         Mulder: Here, have a look.
  
         [Scully accepts the binoculars from Mulder.]
  
         Mulder: See what I mean?
  
         Scully: Yes. Very observant of you, Mulder. Their lips are moving. But
         that still doesn't prove Bill is lying.
  
         Mulder: Right. Bill Gates complains that he can't find enough Microsoft
         proprietary formats on the Web after 10 hours of searching. And this
  is a
         guy who cares about the customer?
  
         Scully: But that still doesn't mean there's something supernatural at
         work.
  
         Mulder: No? This was found on the latest victim. It is a Microsoft
  press
         release that claims Internet Explorer -- a product that you can install
         separately and is available for the Macintosh -- is an integral part of
         Windows and not a separate product.
  
         Scully: What's supernatural about that?
  
         Mulder: Half of our staff back at the office are convinced it's true.
  
         [Scully pouts.]
  
         Scully: So you think this is going to end up as another dead-end
         investigation?
  
         Mulder: I'm afraid so.
  
         Scully: Well, I can't help but think we should have gotten Bill Gates'
         opinion of this script before shooting the episode.
  
         Mulder: Maybe. But I suspect the title X Files would take on a whole
         new meaning if we did ...
  
  
  
  
  
           A former consultant and programmer, Nick Petreley is editor in
           chief at NC World (http://www.ncworldmag.com). Reach him at
                      nicholas_petreley@infoworld.com.
  
  
  
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