Microsoft Buys the USA (fwd)

[Mark Hinds <zoro@tc.fluke.com>]

  Subject: Microsoft News
  
  REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusationsmade by
  the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will
  be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an
  undisclosed sum. "It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth",
  said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive
  arrangement for everyone".
  
  Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White
  House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press
  that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a
  wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned
  for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be
  profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve
  Ballmer.
  
  In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and
  enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft,
  and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting
  directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of
  executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a
  relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that
  U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence".
  Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he
  has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.
  
  Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as
  "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S.
  government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went
  on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished.
  "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing".
  
  When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding,
  Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place". Microsoft
  representatives closed the conference by stating that United States
  citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government
  services and discounts on all Microsoft products.
  
  
  About Microsoft
  
  Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in
  software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company
  offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and
  personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more
  enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal
  computing and free society every day.
  
  
  About the United States
  
  Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation
  in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and
  opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the
  United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.