[Am-info] Windows and Witchcraft - A witch's guide to computing :-)

[Fred A. Miller]

A witch's guide to safe computing
David Coursey,
Executive Editor, AnchorDesk, ZDNet
Friday, August 29, 2003 Talk back!
Over the past couple of weeks, I've written twice (first here, then 
here) about my ongoing frustrations with Microsoft Windows.

What have I learned in the process of writing these columns? Among other 
things, I've learned that the word "hell" included in an e-mail subject 
line will make it through most people's spam filters. ("Sex" won't, 
which is one reason we don't write about it much on AnchorDesk; I'll 
definitely have to can those Viagra columns.)

MORE IMPORTANTLY, I've learned that I'm not alone in my personal Windows 
hell. You've shared your own tales of woe in TalkBack, and AnchorDesk 
reader Susan Bradley offered me some valuable, advanced troubleshooting 
advice. I've also discovered that some people consider Windows to be the 
work of the devil--literally.

I'm not going quite that far, though I've often considered the 
possibility that my PC had been taken over by some malevolent spirit 
intent on driving me nuts. Turns out I'm not the only one who considers 
his computer's spiritual life.

As evidence, I'd like to quote from a recent article in Popular Science, 
one of my favorite magazines, which in turn quotes from newWitch 
magazine (slogan: "Not your mother's broomstick").

Herewith newWitch's Wiccan words of wisdom to its computer-using 
readers, along with my commentary on same:

"Because the physical hard drive is a conduit for a unique type of 
energy, it is possible for nature spirits (called vaettir) to take up 
residence within it."

I've often suspected that my computer had a life of its own. But do 
vaettir qualify as artificial intelligence?

"Do not curse, yell, smack, or otherwise vent your anger on your 
computer. Most vaettir are extremely sensitive to emotions."

In the future, I promise to leave the room when the computer drives me 
over the line, lest I hurt its sensitive feelings--or its metal case.

"Emotions are energy, and mixing incompatible energy fields can have bad 
results: culminating in the dreaded 'blue screen of death.'"

Gee, and to think all these years I thought it had something to do with 
a memory overflow.

"Do what you can to make the computer feel welcome in your home. This 
includes talking to it, naming it, and even offering words of 
encouragement."

Aha! The real reason why Macs suffer fewer problems than PCs! Mac users 
do these sorts of things all the time, and their computers apparently 
benefit from it. Effective immediately, I will rename all my computers, 
from their current, clinical monikers--Old HP, Media Center, etc.--to 
something warmer.

I know, I'll use old radio characters: My desktop will henceforth be 
known as Fibber McGee (whose cluttered closet matches my documents 
folder). The notebook on which I run Microsoft Money should be as tight 
with a dollar as its new namesake, Jack Benny. And my brand new mail 
server--my own personal fountain of spam--will be Orson Welles, because 
most of the messages I get these days are hoaxes.

"Put unusual and pretty things by your computer for the vaettir's 
enjoyment. Pretty stones, crystals, feathers, intriguing pictures help 
create a positive environment."

Again, more evidence of why Mac users have fewer problems than us PC 
types. Remember: Mac users are creative.

And finally:

"TURN THE COMPUTER OFF COMPLETELY WHEN YOU ARE WORKING MAGIC. I cannot 
emphasize that enough. I've had friends who have had their computers 
completely crash due to simple energy overload when they inadvertently 
left them on while doing spellwork."

I've never done spellwork, but given how many times my computers have 
crashed, perhaps it was a simple energy overload caused by the sheer 
force of my personality that did it.

Nobody has ever accused me of casting a spell over anything. But I will 
be sure to pick some pretty flowers from the garden to set next to the 
computer. It may not help, but at least I'll have something nice to look 
at while my PC reboots.

What do you think? Have malevolent spirits ever taken over your PC? How 
did you get rid of them? TalkBack to me! (But be nice!)

-- 
"...Linux, MS-DOS, and Windows XP (also known as the Good, the Bad, and
the Ugly)."