[Am-info] Off topic humor

[Erick Andrews]

Apologies if you already read it, but in the spirit of EULA's I couldn't resist.
I don't have a URL, sorry, and no, it wasn't me.   ...Erick Andrews

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Below is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The bank
manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York
Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of
the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement, which, I admit, has only been
in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I have noticed
that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when
I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
prerecorded faceless entity, which your bank has become.

>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, heretofore and hereafter, no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for
any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an
application Contact Status that I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about
him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please
note that all copies of his or her medical history must be counter signed
by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial
situation income, debts, assets and liabilities must be accompanied by
documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee a PIN number,
which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of
button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank
service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me
level the playing field even further.

Press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized
Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your
example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of
this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client