[Am-info] Fwd: ClubTop5 - 3/11/02 - Features of a Windows Car
ethical@1of1.net
ethical@1of1.net
Tue, 12 Mar 2002 10:13:31 -0800
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The following message is forwarded to you by T. Guilbert
<ethical@1of1.net>.
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C L U B T O P 5
Not for use on grease fires
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March 11, 2002
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
In the news: Microsoft announced that BMW's new 7-Series
sedan would use Windows CE software to run its in-dash
control computer, and that several other automakers would
soon unveil Windows CE-powered systems for future vehicles.
The Top 15 Features of a Windows Car
15> Damage from frequent crashes greatly limited by agonizingly slow
speeds.
14> Every time you shift gears, you get pop-up windows out the yazoo.
13> The best new feature: optional brakes.
12> While waiting at a crosswalk, the ghostly head of Bill Gates
suddenly appears over the dash, intoning, "The pedestrian in the red
coat displeases me. KILL HER."
11> MS-AAA mysteriously knows where you are and what you ran into
before you even call.
10> If you drive over 70 mph, you get an error message that reads,
"This car has performed an illegal operation and will smack into a
wall."
9> Lets you e-mail viruses to jerks who cut you off in traffic.
8> Sure, you *own* the car -- but your nerdy 17-year-old nephew is
the only one who can figure out how to drive it.
7> Engine trouble? Just execute a Ctrl+Alt+Honk and the car repairs
itself.
6> Car periodically shuts down unexpectedly, subjecting driver to
the "blue windshield of death."
5> "PineTree air freshener not found. Download now?"
4> On-board navigational system keeps displaying maps to nearby
porno shops.
3> "Crowby," the annoying, animated crowbar, keeps changing the
radio station.
2> Teenaged hacker next door can make it do donuts on your lawn at 3
A.M.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Feature of a Windows Car...
1> Three words: traffic jam Minesweeper
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2002 by Chris White ]
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The Runners Up & Honorable Mention submissions
Runners up were almost good enough to make the main list,
but got edged out by other submissions. Honorable mentions
were good enough to still deserve some recognition.
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Features of a Windows Car
RUNNERS UP list -- Lemons
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"Open the car door, HAL." "I'm afraid I can't do that, Mr. Jobs."
Comes with a large sunroof, just in case you decide to spontaneously
start flying around the neighborhood.
Hitch-hiking would make an immense comeback, thanks to the Linux
community's knee-jerk development of the Open Car license.
Instead of turning on the wipers, you must somehow convince the
little paperclip guy that it's raining. Too bad you dragged him to
the ashtray the first time you started the car.
It doesn't matter how good it is, those techno-snobs with the free
Linux cars always look down on you.
It runs on unleaded hype.
It's a royal pain to try to pull into a non-Microsoft gas station.
Now only takes THREE MINUTES to start.
Options? You'll take whatever options *we* say you'll take.
Resale value after six or seven years? Forget it.
Secret missile system seeks out and destroys all Apple cars, Netscape
cars and Sun cars.
Whenever you leave your driveway, the little paperclip guy jumps out
of the glove box and says, "It looks like you're going to work! Can
I help?"
You have to reinstall the entire engine once a month.
You slam on the brakes, but nothing happens until the software can
confirm that no one else on the Internet is attempting to use a brake
system with the same serial number.
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Features of a Windows Car
HONORABLE MENTION list -- Monopolized
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"Turn right 50 meters. Turn right now. No, the other right!"
5-year/10,000 mile anti-rust/anti-trust protection.
After it crashes, climb out, climb back in and -- viola -- just like
nothing ever happened!
After putting it in park, it shakes and rattles for a couple minutes
before you finally get the signal that it's safe to turn off the
engine.
By default, the rearview mirror has a perky, pseudo-helpful paper
clip to distract you from the road.
Despite reassurances of improved security from Microsoft, hackers can
easily gain entry by simply using the door handles.
Expands into a "universal serial bus" if you load the right driver.
If a bug hits your windshield, odds are you'll have to sell the whole
car for parts.
Now multi-tasking *and* multi-crashing.
Ralph Nader declares the 2.5-gigahertz computer "unsafe at any speed."
Takes 20 minutes to connect to the Interstate.
You can't lend it to someone else; they have to purchase their own.
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