[Am-info] Matt from The Culprits' Open Letter to Spammers

[Fred A. Miller]

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Matt from The Culprits' Open Letter to Spammers

Mr. Spammer, you swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of 
filth. As they say in Texas. I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a 
boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't 
go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.

You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little 
worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a 
cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, 
a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared 
richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into 
this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, 
abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then 
killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same 
species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the 
very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers 
avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, 
a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?
 

Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to 
impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop 
will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it 
more rapidly.
 

You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive 
its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to 
fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink 
shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing 
nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.

You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, 
nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an 
ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with 
you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in 
a land that reality forgot.

And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important 
statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What 
fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted 
tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, 
spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake? You 
are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and 
obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a 
living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are 
a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are 
deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of 
wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You 
are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow 
wherever you go.

You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. 
You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted 
boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless 
crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You 
cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup 
pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You 
dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are 
degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you 
exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away. I 
cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. 
Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond 
the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are 
trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far 
that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no 
intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on 
Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire 
galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. 
Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. 

Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of 
stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything 
else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I 
can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you my 
not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left 
to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about 
unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. Maybe later in 
life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will 
have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us 
"normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of 
mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons 
in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, 
that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just 
wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I 
wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that 
seem to be placing such a demand on you.
 

P.S.
 

You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, 
deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, 
opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, 
racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, 
imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, 
byzantine,conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, 
splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, 
destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, 
narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, 
idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, 
restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, 
stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, 
jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, 
arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, 
socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.

In other words, go away.

- -- 
Fred A. Miller
Systems Administrator
Cornell Univ. Press Services
fm@cupserv.org

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