This just in: Microsoft/Sears Merger

[Brett Glass <brett@lariat.org>]

Microsoft, Sears Plan Merger

REDMOND, WA -- A giant of the software industry is planning a merger with a
giant of retailing.

Microsoft Corporation (MSFT) has announced its intention to merge with
Sears, Roebuck and Co. (S) effective in early 1999. 

"Our financial performance did not meet our earnings growth goal, and
shareholder value did not increase," said Sears CEO Arthur C. Martinez in
the company's 1997 corporate report. This disappointing trend continued
into 1998, when Sears' total domestic store revenues for the four weeks
ending November 28, 1998 were $2.61 billion. This was 4.5 percent below the
four weeks ending November 29, 1997.

This may have made Sears a tempting acquisition target for cash-rich
Microsoft, which in 1998 surpassed General Electric to attain the largest
market capitalization of any American company.

"Imagine a Kenmore refrigerator that knows when you get low on milk and
orders a fresh carton automatically," said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates.
"We'll not only provide the Windows CE software for the refrigerator, but
will also route consumers' food orders through our central ordering system
in return for a small commission. We'll even be able to track what
consumers eat and sell that information to health insurers so that they can
rate customers' risk of cancer and heart disease more accurately."

Gates also identified other possible fits for Microsoft technology within
Sears' portfolio of brands. "Imagine a DieHard battery with a Windows
microprocessor inside." When asked what purpose would be served by placing
the car's computer inside the battery, Gates replied, "It's integration.
We'd cut a deal with Ford so that you'd have to use our batteries, or your
Explorer would not start." When asked to define the word "integration,"
however, Gates said that he could not recall its meaning.

But there may also have been other motives for the acquisition. "It's
Sears' information resources that make this deal so valuable to Microsoft,"
said a Microsoft executive who declined to be named. "Millions of Americans
shop at Sears and carry Sears credit cards. And every time a consumer makes
a credit purchase at Sears, his or her signature is recorded digitally.
We'll gain access to that database, too."

Sears' aggressive telemarketing tactics and lack of responsiveness to
consumers (the telephones at Sears stores are no longer answered by human
beings but by a voice response system that cuts the caller off if a
department's phone is busy) also mesh well with those of the software
giant. Microsoft has recently released test versions products that require
users to supply personal information before they can use the software they
have purchased, making them prime targets for similar campaigns. Microsoft
has also sought to dictate the appearance of computer makers' products
despite vendors' efforts to customize their machines to promote
flexibility, ease of use, and novel features.

"Microsoft has the capital to acquire nearly anything," said Brett Glass,
author of this completely bogus press release. "No, they're not REALLY
acquiring Sears, but what if they did? And what would happen if your
Ford/Microsoft Explorer crashed, or your Microsoft/Kenmore refrigerator
ordered 2 tons of bananas by mistake? Now THERE'S plenty of food for
thought." []